Gee Brain, what do you want to do tonight?

It is quite possible that this is the most motivated I have ever been in my entire life. At the end of last year, I vowed that 2008 would mark the... beginning of the rest of my life... no, I am kidding. That is entirely TOO cliche for even me to say. 2008 represents a year that I defeat all of the temptations that have wooed me into complacency for the past 28 years.

~The temptation to skip the gym and "make up for it tomorrow".
~The temptation to eat another cookie and start over tomorrow... "FOR REAL".
~The temptation to soothe my depressed-for-no-good-reason self with retail therapy.
~The temptation to order out rather than make a more wholesome, inexpensive meal at home.
~The temptation to have "just one more drink" that somehow turns into many more than one.
~The temptation to watch TV rather than talk or enjoy silence.
~The temptation to consume... its overwhelming at times!

I can talk myself into or out of just about anything - coming up with reasonably good justifications for everything I do. I am quite convincing. I think that is pretty common, no? We like to believe that we are entitled to everything we do - whether we truly believe it or have convinced ourselves of it.

Well, I am resisting temptation this year... searching deep within myself for will power like you've never seen.

I know this all seems a bit ambitious and unnecessary - all of these extremist goals I've set for myself. No drinking for 2 months. Two half marathons. Eating right. Getting financially stable (saving money!). Getting in good shape. Etc. And now this? What's next? I ... think... I ... will... try... to... take... over... the... WORLD, Pinky!

Maybe American Gladiators? C'mon... can't you picture me up there on those pedestals? HAHA... quite possibly, the LAMEST show ever.

if my life were a musical...

The soundtrack would be as follows:

Opening Credits: Acoustic Medley - Bob Marley
Waking Up: Last Night - The Strokes
First Day At School: Let's Play - The Subdudes
Falling In Love: In Your Eyes - Peter Gabriel
Fight Song: The Saints are Coming - U2 & Greenday
Breaking Up: Skipping Stone - Amos Lee
Prom: Groove is in the Heart - Dee Lite
Life: Sweet N' Dandy - Toots & the Maytals
Mental Breakdown: The Underdog - Spoon
Driving: Freedom - Amos Lee tied with Free Falling - Tom Petty
Flashback: Real Love - Mary J. Blige
Getting back together: Stand By My Woman - Lenny Kravitz
Wedding: Somewhere Over the Rainbow - Israel Kamakawiwo Ole
New Job: With My Own Two Hands - Ben Harper
New Friends: Here I Go Again on My Own - Whitesnake
Birth of Child: One Sweet World - Dave Matthews Band
Final Battle: The General - Dispatch
Death Scene: Riverside - Ollabelle
Funeral Song: She's Only Happy in the Sun - Ben Harper
End Song: Tupelo Honey - Van Morrison

life on the dry campus...

Interesting experiences in the eyes of Sober Sarah this weekend.

Friday night, we went out with 3 of my favorite peeps. Generally, it is ALWAYS a good time with these Foxies so I expected nothing less. The girls were housesitting at a fellow Foxy's so we decided it would be fun to hang there, play some guitar hero, sing star, and then to venture out for some shenanigans. Well, failing to remember that I am sober these days, we decided we'd hit this local place so drunk driving would not be an issue... or drunk driving INTO THE CITY, that is, would not be an issue. So - we met up with some other folks at CP, the chosen establishment, and engaged in some pool playing and some serious metal music listening. Dude, seriously. The patrons at this joint... were a) straight out of 1984 and b) clinically obsessed with Metallica. Now, I like me some Metallica... really, who doesn't? But, I pace myself with metal music ... as I pace myself with most music. Too much Metallica is possible, as I learned on Friday night. I think we listened to the entire anthology... loudly.

Abbie and Alex ATTEMPTED to relieve us of the noise by purchasing some pop selections on the juke box... but, like I said - the previous jukebox player selected the ENTIRE METALLICA COLLECTION SO an hour later, we were STILL listening to Metallica. There was no hope in sight. Whats worse, it was very easy to determine who this said Metallica Fanatic was... he was constantly air-guitaring with his pool cue... ENOUGH already.

It took us over an hour to realize that with me not drinking, the world is our oyster and we were free to go anywhere we wanted... that is... anywhere my poor little Passat would take us and not bottom out. Downtown here we come!

Adios Metallica. Adios air guitar dude. Adios lady with the size label stuck on the back of your leg. Adios... wait... is that a song we played? Just as we were about to leave, Metallica's polar opposite song comes blasting out of the jukebox... Low by T-Pain...or Flo... or whomever (the "boots with the fur" song, you know it, I am sure). Abbie and Alex started dancing and singing the lyrics, word for word, clearly indicating to the entire bar that this song was selected by our group... the NERVE! Kevin and I start laughing hysterically. Air guitar hero watches in complete disdain. Who were we to come into HIS bar and ruin HIS Friday night... only to walk out and leave 5 more alike songs to continue well after our vindictive, laughing departure? Sorry dude but seriously.

Anyway - all the while, I am completely sober... but I was having so much fun, I think I almost forgot... until we passed a cop and I realized, it doesn't matter if he pulls me over... I am so sober, I am almost high. I almost wanted him to pull me over so I could laugh.

time is ticking.

Seriously. Do you ever sit back and just realize that you are 28 (or however old), working, successful, settled (well, in life, not so much in the head), doing good? Ok, so even if you are not thinking that exactly... have you taken a step back and checked yourself out? Its funny how sometimes we just go through life... rushing through everything... no time for anything... even thought.

Well - in the past 6 months, I've taken some time... not quite as much as I'd like but enough to inspire some appreciation and perhaps change (no drinking... me? Who knew?).

Things in life are falling into place and I am practically a "grown up"? I mean, I think about when I was 15 or so - and what I thought about when I considered I'd someday be 28. A) I thought that 28 was ANCIENT, yet now, I do not feel a day different than 15 in spirit. Hmm. And B) I thought I would be in a much different state. Married (check), a homeowner (nope), and a stay-at-home Mom (um, NO) with a minivan (NEVER), a brood (I am considering 1-2 kids), and part of the PTA (the what?). I envisioned myself as Susy Freaking Homemaker, apparently. And it is not necessarily what I wanted or dreamed of, it was just how I imagined my life would willingly play out.

So - the reality.

I'm married. Very happily. We've got a good thing. You all know that.

As for owning a home - that seems like an impossible dream. Who knew that the market would spike and then Kevin would decide to go back to school and we'd be poor until October of 2007? So, no, we don't own a home. And really, it doesn't bother me. I used to get all worked up about pissing money away into rent but with the market continue to move towards our favor, I am glad to be observing. 2025 sounds like a good time to buy. I kid, I kid.

As for kids. I've said it before, I'll say it again (p.s. I hate that saying) - I came out of the womb wanting children. As the youngest of 4, I suppose it was that I was always babied and always longed for a younger sibling. So - I wanted children when I was 2... I had Toy Story dreams well before Pixar even existed. I could not dream hard enough that my Cabbage Patch Kids were real and I was the Mom. And that desire pretty much continued on until I hit my very early twenties and realized how much fun life is. The kid dream came to a screeching, car-wreck halt.

Since that day, I put kids on the back burner and have lived out my twenties as a post-college weekend (and some weekday) warrior - enjoying plenty of freedom and flexibility... I come and go as I (we) please. No one to answer to or cater to - save for the most amazing pup on the planet and Kev... but he is pretty self-sufficient! We've spent the better part of our twenties having a great time - going out with friends until all hours of the night at house parties, concerts, bars, road trips, games, etc. No worries at all. Saturday and Sunday were reserved for whatever we damn well please... either heading off on some adventure or leisurely and quietly waking up, reading the paper, making breakfast, doing cute and quaint domestic things... but only because I want to.

Essentially, kids were wiped from my radar for the past 9 years. I mean, I love children. If you know me, you know this. There is something that draws me to children (other people's, that is). And generally, kids like me. We've got this thing - this eye-to-eye thing. I get them. They get me. I can usually bond with a kid instantly. And I love that. (I also love leaving and going to my quiet and completely independent home.)

What's changed, you ask? As of late, as I've taken the turn into 2008 and am approaching my 30th birthday (in just over a year... gulp), the idea of having kids has re-entered my domain with rapid force. I don't know what happened but I am beginning to believe there is something to that whole "biological clock" whine.

Kids don't seem so frightening anymore. Birth control is no longer my favorite food group (Wine has taken its place. Wine IS a food group... or, at least, it should be. Heh. Kidding... sort of!... perhaps thats my sobriety speaking!) I think my internal clock is synching with my mentality and that is part of the reason I've decided to clean up my act. In the last 6 months, I've found a career that suits me, I've gotten extremely healthy, I am finding some faith... I think it has been a subconscious effort (well, now its conscious) to prepare, mentally, physically, & financially, so that when the enormous shock of having a child actually becomes a reality, I am as ready as I can be.

Kev and I are now at that age where many of our peers our either having kids or close to it. And, with the birth of our amazing little nephew, 10 months ago, we've both started thinking and talking about kids much more openly and frequently.

However, we are pragmatic people in that we know that we are not ready, YET (Mom, Dad, Melissa - settle down)... but it is much more of a real consideration in that we have to start mapping things out so that we are as prepared as we can be when we finally decide to go there. I am still not convinced that we will ever get to a point when we truthfully say - "we are ready" - but I am certain that we will work it out.

What I've been inspired by lately is somewhat shallow but I want to know what our kids will look like. Obviously, I am more concerned with having healthy and well-spirited children but curiously, I wonder what they will look like - what traits of Kevin's they will have, what traits of mine they will have? If our nephew is any indication of what our children will look like, we are going to have some beautiful kids!

For now, I am still content with my sans kid weekends.

weekend's ended.

What an awesome [sober] weekend. From my date Friday night with Kev to shopping to seeing Rent (the broadway production) to the Patriots winning to researching our someday trip to Italy - it was just a great weekend.

Each day was practically perfect (save for the flat tire incident on the East Side).

And, though I don't HAVE to mention it, I want to. I did not have one drink, nor was I all that tempted during the 3 occasions where alcohol normally would be involved. The restaurant on Friday night WAS a tiny struggle for me. We sat at the bar and it was rather busy around us so I was a little edgy... having just got out of work and not fully downloaded the fact that it was the weekend and play time, I was still in a serious frame of mind. So, I ordered myself a diet coke and got amped on caffeine (and shrimp pizza and boulagnese...yum). It was nice. Saturday night, I made us some amazing steaks with baked sweet potatoes, fresh salad, and brocoli... Kevin had wine... I had coffee flavored milk. YUM!! I missed the wine a little bit but, really, not that much. Sunday, watching football - the boys had beers, I had diet Sprite. I did not miss the beer at all... I had my amazing little nephew to distract me from anything and everything. :)

9 days and counting.

Not that I feel like I should chronicle each waking moment of this sober thing, its just that I've gotten over 2 hurdles where drinking has always been a given. Monday, I attended "book club" (go ahead, proceed with the dork comments, laugh all you want) to discuss the latest read. Generally, you'd think book club and you'd think book worms, lame, etc. However, since this club involves only the most amazing people on the planet (FCFC), it is rather fun, somewhat wholesome, and, like everything else we do, involves alcohol... except, not for me this time. Book club. Sober. Excellent.

Part of me is developing a complex because I am almost afraid that my friends aren't going to like the sober me - not that alcohol changes me - but I suppose I am more chill (less hyper) without it. So - I am nervous that my friends are getting bored with Sober Sarah... but I know that is not true. I definitely think they think I am whacky for doing this but... its just something I want to do - and generally, I always do what I want to do. ;)

Anyway - I made it through book club with the Foxies, sober and no problem. We talked about life, religion, traveling, inhibitions, goals - it was quite refreshing being able to remember everything. I really do love my Foxies.

So - the next goal. Soccer. Thursday night. Thursday night beers after (or before) soccer have become pretty much an institution. There is a core group of us (insert "bomb squad") that religiously seek refuge from our aching, sweaty, post-game bodies, in the sports complex's bar (not a place we'd EVER choose to go if our games weren't 20 feet from it) for beers and catching up. Working from home, its been something that I value more and more as time goes on. (Like I said, I love my Foxies.) Last night, we had an early game and I had all intentions of just going to the game and heading home... but as I watched my friends head to the bar post-game, I was sucked in. Fortunately, I was pretty winded from the game and really not even interested in the pitcher of beer that was set right in front of me.

I stayed and chatted for a bit but, ultimately, it wasn't about the not-drinking that inspired me to go home, I just wanted to get home and get to bed at a decent hour. BUT - as I made my attempt to leave, I felt pressure and sadness... feeding my complex that my friends want "the life of the party" back. I tried to convince them that it wasn't because I was not drinking that I wanted to go home, I was just beat. I don't think they believed me. Nevertheless, I walked out, promising that this is only a phase.

I feel somewhat accomplished. Not that I thought it would be very hard for me and I imagine temptation will grow as I go to some house parties, hit NY for weekend, and continue to hang out at the soccer bar, but I never tried and honestly ... I didn't know what to expect... but I am learning that it is not that hard and not that different.

cheers to a new me.

I quit drinking. (BAHHH HAAA HAAAA!!) No. I am serious. (BAAHHHH HAAA HAAA!!!) Stop. Laughing. At. ME! I said, I am serious. (Whatever, Sarah.) Forget you. I am picking a new audience that sees more to me than "the life of the party".

So (turning to face new audience, back to the hecklers), I quit drinking. I suppose I should clarify and then the naysayers behind me might not react so dramatically. I am going on a non-drinking "bender", per say. Its a little experiment that I dreamed up after the holidays and a year full of gluttonous binge drinking and eating. I've decided that, for 2 months, I will not touch a drop of alcohol. (Why?) Because. Just because. Not because I don't think I can do it. Moreso, I think my body needs a bit of detox and I am curious. I am curious to know what it is like to be stone-cold sober at parties, on business trips, at bars.

By no means is it even possible to call me a drunk or an alcoholic. I am a typical 28 year old fun loving social butterfly (though I feel sort of fairy-esque when I write that I am any part "butterfly"). I am what is called a "weekend warrior", I guess. I rarely drink anything during the week and I generally have one night every weekend or even every other to whoop it up.

But - New Year's Eve did me in. We had a party and I had no self control and was hungover for 2 days. To me, I no longer find it acceptable to waste my days being hungover. I got shit to do, places to go... all that jazz. But - New Year's kicked my butt. And it kicked my butt right into this experiment and my whole 2008 resolution.

Ya see - 2008 is my year to clean up my act. I am not growing up nor am I becoming lame (ghasp)! I am just making a resolved attempt to regain control of things that matter - health being at the top of the list. Every year, like most Americans, I make the resolution that I am going to get in the best shape of my life. And pretty much, every year, I do that. I work my ass off for 6 months straight to get in phenomenal shape and then... come September, it all goes to shit.

So this year, I am approaching it very differently - rather than physical health, I am looking more for the mental health that comes from being balanced emotionally and physically. Not to go all Dalai on here but I just want to find some peace of mind so that I can stop worrying about health and fitness and just make it a part of my life, dammit. I know I am not the only one who sweats it out on the treadmill while pondering, "Do I really have to do this for the REST OF MY LIFE?".

Back to the point - with health, drinking goes hand-in-hand. And, I like the art of beer and wine too much to say that I will ever give it up entirely, I am just going to detox for 2 months so that when I go back to drinking... it is something I do in a more refined manner, I guess.

Call it lame. Call it pointless. I call it a social and physical experiment. Stay tuned...